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Psychology of International Dating. Matchmaking and Love Coaching
Naina Yusupova – author of blog, leading matchmaker and dating coach of RealdateStudio, psychologist-counselor in interpersonal communication and virtual interaction; problem-oriented psychologist in transactional analysis and psychodrama; member of Ukrainian Union of Psychotherapists
My dating blog deals with international dating itself, online dating, matchmaking service, psychology of virtual communication/interaction/perception, interpersonal interaction, personal dating coaching. Step by step I will share with you my knowledges and experience in this field and will give you some useful tips and advices on how to find best online dating site; how to make good profile on dating site; what is the main difference between virtual and real communication and what types of persons choose each one; how to date Ukrainian woman; travel tips and advices for foreingers coming on meeting with Ukrainian ladies; you will find out who are matchmakers and why dating coaching works; we will talk about best ways to attract attention to your profile on dating site, about emotional intelligence in communication, about main triggers in correspondence, about first date fears etc.
3 levels of love or how to pick up Ukrainian women
Part I. 3 levels of love
Do you want to invite on a date Ukrainian lady? Do you know how to attract her attention? Are you good seducer? Do you think that it is easy to pick up Ukrainian women? Do you know what love is? What is your understanding of love?
If you want to know how to seduce or "pick up" Ukrainian lady for fun or to raise your confidence using some techniques, you should look somewhere else). I will tell you about levels of love and honest ways to get woman's attention. Let’s start from definition of love and analysis of its levels.
So what is love for you? For me love is unconditional acceptance, which cannot be taken but can be given. Love of another person is like the recognition of the value of our existence. We live fully until we are loved.
We are all social beings; we can't live without love of other people. That means also that we can't live without relationships, without care, without support, without attention, without understanding. We need someone to be our mirror, where we see the best sides of ourselves when we are in mutual relations. We are looking for love whole life; we are in search each day of our life from birth till death. The more we were loved and accepted in childhood, the more love we can give and receive from others. Unconditional love is pure happiness. But to get love is not the final aim of our life. The final aim is to give our love to someone and make another person happy; accept someone without conditions and let somebody accept you. This is how love develops, from taking to giving and finally to accepting. That is my views on levels of love. Let's look more detailed on it.
Level I. Taking – Childhood. We need to be loved and feel it every moment of our life. Being small kids we usually take more than give as we are less strong, less independent and need someone to satisfy our vital needs. We need to feel secure and safe. Our parents give us love we need sometimes unconditionally, sometimes with conditions; sometimes they don’t love us or just missed in this chain. This love is infantile and dependent. We are living in this mode sometimes half of our life, sometimes more; it depends on our life experience until graduating from school. We use manipulation to get what we need and want.
Level II. Giving – Adulthood. We grow up and we go through different stages of our development. We learn how to interact with other people, how to build relations, how to develop relations together. From this stage we have more self-understanding and usually it gives us more confidence. Confidence gives us stability. We understand that to have something, we need to share something. We satisfy our needs by ourselves. We start share responsibilities; make own choices and decisions; become almost independent and adult. When we are adult, we still can depend on other people not materially but mentally. This period lasts until maturity. We still use manipulations here; sometimes they become more clever and refined (they look like psychological games).
Level III. Accepting – Maturity. Hard to rich this level. Some people say we need to accept life as it is. And this is truth. We have to accept life changes, our own changes, changes in relations etc. Nothing is constant; nothing is stable in this world. Our universe is changing, our planet is changing, and we are changing. Life means action. Our self-understanding, self-value, our confidence also changes. We begin to understand things more than ever and feel what we can change and what we can’t. If this level is reached we finally feel happiness, calmness, harmony and life fullness (sense of life). When we become mature, we become totally independent and first of all independent from influences and manipulations from the outside. We accept here love fully; can express it sincere without fears/guilt/shame etc.; can share and give it unconditionally; accept people the way they are; accept and thank for love we have and can share with others.
Love is a gift, we can only accept it to live on full. Life without love is empty and lonely. I wish all of you find your love and save it)
More about pick-up techniques according to levels of love outlined in this article you will find in Part II. 5 ways to pick-up Ukrainian women.
Naina Yusupova, leading matchmaker and dating coach of Realdatestudio; problem-oriented psychologist-counselor of interpersonal relationships and virtual communication; member of Ukrainian Union of Psychotherapists.
6 key criteria which influence on your success in Ukrainian dating
All we are interested in how to become a successful person in the professional, social and of course in the private sphere. The world of online dating (online dating sites, matchmaking, coaches, dating agencies, etc.) indirectly helps us in our search of couple, but the main contribution into our relationship, we must and can do just by ourselves.
Are you still single? Didn’t you think, why are you still single in the presence of such a huge number of specialized on the online dating resources, information about marriage agencies, matchmakers, dating clubs? Is it all because of you, because you still stand on the threshold of choice. The range of services in dating and the number of potential candidates in spite of the scale and perspective, does not give the desired result and the more you are involved in this game called "eternal search", the less chances on success you have. Unfortunately, there are no reliable criteria for assessing the usefulness and effectiveness of online dating sites in Ukraine and abroad, because all sorts of rankings and lists of popularity, putting in tops and in the mass media is only advertising in order to attract more consumers to their resources. The only factor to test the effectiveness of any dating resource, marriage or matchmaking agency is personal contact with this resource, it’s owners and own confirmation of its reputation during the communication, personal experience of using the site or agency services, recommendations from people you know personally that have been used their services and have a positive experience of cooperation.
Dating Machine gives you range and variety but does not help you make a right choice once and forever to stop search on a single partner, but on the contrary encourage you for endless quest. This is the main goal of all offline and online dating resources, and you have to understand this clearly. Therefore, I consider any sites and portals of online dating could be used as additional help to find a partner, but a key of your success in dating is in your hands.
So, how to succeed in Ukrainian dating? What are the key criteria for success in online dating? In my experience of matchmaking and dating coaching as psychologist, I made some conclusions about successful search criteria and failures in search. So here they are. The main reason for the failure to find your match is always in non-realistic criteria of search. It means that problem is in the lack of understanding of themselves, own desires, needs, potential and their harmonious correlation. In the ideal case, it is advisable initially to work with a professional psychologist and possibly with a psychotherapist, and only then proceed to the conscious search for a partner online or in real life.
So what are they, the criteria for success in dating? Or rather it would be to ask what prevents us to implement our choice once and forever. We all know the saying "It is not the gay coat that makes the gentleman” or “Meet by clothes, see of by mind”. In our case, it could be stated as, "Meet by inharmonious beliefs, see off due to unrealistic expectations" as we always appreciate others correlative to our own system of values, attitudes and beliefs, and always hard to part with them, thereby breaking up with people, values of which does not coincide with ours.
So here are 6 criteria which influence on our success in Dating:
1. First of all, you should have realistic view / beliefs about yourself and others.
2. Harmonic self-esteem is what you need for successful search.
3. Appropriate expectations about yourself and your partner and therefore loyalty to possible imperfections in partner.
4. Goal setting in search, your goal is not endless quest, and the exercise of choice, making decisions are main; a detailed description of your dating goals will greatly simplify your search, narrow the range of choice of the target group and will help you to find potential candidates in the network and determine compatibility faster.
5. One of the most important criterions, in my opinion, the emphasis in the search for a partner is in the offline communication and in testing the strength of relationships in real life.
6. The last criterion, be yourself in communication, openness and honesty must be in priority, and lead to successful dating.
Ask yourself a series of these three groups of questions and give honest answers to them, maybe you will be a little closer to a success in your dating search:
1. Who am I? What a person am I? What can I / cannot do? What I want / I do not want to have for myself, for others? What do I need / do not need to be happy? Do I love myself and accept for who I am?
2. What is the value to me in my life? How do I evaluate my success / failure? What I appreciate the other (thoughts, words, actions, emotions and what)? What I have valuable than I can share with others?
3. What attitude I deserve from others (How wish I to be treated)? What kind of attitude / attention do I like/dislike from others? What I am willing / not willing to tolerate in a relationship? What can I / would like to change in relations to my surrounding and how would I do that?
As for the help of dating sites, marriage agencies, matchmakers, etc., this assistance can be relevant only in the case of realism of your search criteria and a good understanding of you. As they say, if you want something to be well done do it yourself! First of all, help yourself and only then accept help of Dating Machine if you really need it! Be successful in Real Relationships, not in Dating!
Here you can also find some tips from this article given to Krystyna's Dating Blog - http://ukrainiandatingblog.com/2017/02/how-to-succeed-in-the-ukrainian-dating-world-expert-tips/
Naina Yusupova, leading matchmaker and dating coach of matchmaking agency, marriage studio Realdatestudio.com, psychologist-counselor of interpersonal relationships and virtual communication, member of Ukrainian Union of Psychotherapists.
5 easy steps to avoid scammers on meeting
Personally I believe that you can avoid scamming choosing matchmaking service of local agencies in that country in which you plan meet your soul mate and when you know that your matchmaker is responsible for quality of service you get, when you can trust and rely on professional support.
Again must admit, that meeting is the best way to start communication without scam.
But you always should remember about common sense and realistic view on things, this is the best weapon against fooling you)))
Sometimes I am shocked from such stories about scamming both from men and women, how people can be so trusty, why their intuition doesn’t work?! As psychologist I can say one thing if people have low level of self-confidence, high expectations and low level of communication skills they can be fooled very often by dishonest scammers.
It is much easier to scam through online dating services than on personal meeting because on personal meeting you have real person in front of you not a picture from internet. To avoid scam on meeting you just need to follow these easy steps:
· you have eyes – look attentively, try to use perception skills to watch non-verbal signs;
· you have ears – listen and ask carefully, the more you ask the more you will know so don’t be shy to be frank and straightforward;
· you have intuition (about emotions, thoughts, feelings) – judge and make opinions seriously, use your critical mind and compare behavior of a person in different situations;
· take your time – don’t hurry with judgments, you need to spend not less than 3 dates in different environment before make serious decisions about person;
· if you don't listen yourself and can't read signs on meeting or through prior correspondence – advice with matchmaker or another specialist whom you consider to be expert in this field; don’t lose your time on online impersonal service instead of real personal matchmaker.
Last years, there are so many women who come to my agency and tell awful stories about western men sex-tourist who are coming to use Ukrainian ladies and have no serious intentions to marry. And funny thing is that those women claim in this situation local agencies who are partners of big dating sites because they don't know personally managers of dating sites but know local agencies where they are registered in. Men and women are in trouble as their trust level to dating sites are extremely low right now but they still want and need to find their soul mates. Let's face truth, if you can't trust nor big online dating site, nor local agencies cooperating with them – choose not an agency and a brand by advertisement but person by recommendation, choose personal matchmaking and real meeting instead of dishonest and non-effective services. Your life is your choice! Scamming is the way you are letting people to fool you! And we can't be fooled if we don't want to!
Be careful and good luck in search, yours Naina, psychologist, matchmaker and dating coach of RealDateStudio, local marriage agency in Poltava, Ukraine
SCAMMING and ANTISCAM policy of dating sites
What is scam? Scamming is a fraudent scheme performed by dishonest people or group of people to obtain money or any other value from you. There are many ways to scam and most of them you can find in any business, dating business isn't an exception!
With growing of online dating business, scamming start to grow with same strength.
Scam in dating can include many things and in most cases it is possible through all functions of any dating site such as correspondence, chats, calls, even on dates. It is easy to scam through first three ways as you often don't see person on video and don't see recent photos often, you don't call any time you want but by requested time (which sets up site) etc. Harder to scam on dates but it is possible as there are professional daters-scammers who can get your trust and use your feelings for own needs.
So when can you be sure that the way which person is using to communicate with you is scam? Here you go:
1. For sure any money request for any purpose you can consider scam from any client (man or woman!). It can be direct requests like requests on some urgent needs or non-direct requests with hidden purposes.
For sure scam is when somebody wants to get as much information about you as can. When you give all personal contact information about yourself to someone and don't know nothing about your partner or can't check it yourself or through site/agency! For example you don't get answers on your straight personal questions. You don't see wish to exchange contact information even after long-term correspondence.
2. For sure scam is when you get a lot of love-confessions, compliments, signs of admiration and promises from person without understanding how your virtual relations grew suddenly from "how are you" to "I love you". When you feel you are missing something and somebody is trying to push on your emotions and turn off your brain, satisfy your ego with love-words and makes you believe that you are the only one for him/her. Relationship is a process, not easy one, it can't develop so fast) love is a hard work.
Nota Bene:
1) you can't be sure that person with whom you communicate has no real personal problems (so don't suspect everybody is scammer just because you get answer on your question about real life situation immediately: it can be different!);
2) you can't be sure that all can allow come to your country on first meeting, know your language well enough – you can ask these question on first stage of your communication!
3) you can’t be sure that all women who have professional photos are scammers just because they want look better on photos (we all want look and feel better, this is normal need and if there is possibility to get professional photos why don’t use it?!).
You can't claim all scammers because generalization is not a key to solve this problem and will not help recognize scammer but can spoil someone's real relations with such doubts! Relationships are not easy to develop, and here is no sense in generalization, all is individual!
Must say when I started making matches, I did it for free)))) I never took money for search, for selection, for interviewing, making profiles, translation of intro etc))) I just wanted to introduce best service to my clients, but through time I understood that what you get for free you never value! The only thing I am against for is membership system on dating sites and some matchmaking sites which they advertise and provide, using credit-system. People must know what they pay for and understand that all services conditions are equal for all customers.
Almost all dating sites have antiscam policy and the content of it is typically the same. They promise that they check (passports) and verify all profiles, meet all in person (or deliver this function to local partners), can deliver gifts ordered by you to ladies to prove they are real etc. I cannot judge who is doing or not doing what they declare in their policies. I only know that there is no real antiscam support. If site has thousands of members they can't check all, know personally all of the users, and control all of the profiles and information in them, check status of all the girls in recent time (good if local agencies do their job well instead of big dating sites – their partners).
You can control situation with scamming and avoid it in your agency only if you meet all clients personally as I do, if you interview them personally, check all documents personally and keep contact with them personally all the time. But this is possible if you have small database in one local city and personal interest of team to have good reputation, high level of responsibility and orientation of effective honest and secure service which you introduce to your clients. Reputation is a key, when you keep your word and your words became your actions.
Be careful and good luck in search, yours Naina, psychologist, matchmaker and dating coach of RealDateStudio, local marriage agency in Poltava, Ukraine
Why Ukrainian women want marry a foreigner?
Recently, there are a large variety of popular dating sites, online resources, dating sites, mobile applications, and international marriage agencies sites with catalogues of foreign men. Every second somebody is using a particular system of dating service. Online dating looks comfortable, safe (at first sight!), accessible, mobile.
Let’s look on the basic methods of dating, types of online dating and the registration procedure at dating-systems and try answer the question “why our women want marry a foreigner?” what is the purpose.
There are two basic ways to get acquainted with a foreigner for Ukrainian woman:
1) Register herself on online dating national or international site, paid or unpaid dating site; activate status "Actively searching" in social net or "in search" to make open access to your public page, thus expanding the boundaries of the search, specify the level of knowledge of English (preferably not less than intermediate); install mobile applications of online dating on Smartphone.
2) Register in a local marriage agency, international dating or matchmaking service, by providing contact information, photos.
The main difference between these two methods as we see is in the presence of a mediator in the second way, agency is responsible for the use of information received from woman to find her a partner, in the selection according to woman’s criteria of candidates, in organizing the process of communication and meetings.
If your feel that your language skills, self-confidence, time is limited – you should use agency.
What kinds of online dating sites are the most effective for women?! The most effective way to get acquainted with a foreigner invariably is a registration on specialized resources of leading international dating sites. Correctly composed profile, a professional photo set, defined objectives and search criteria of life partner will give woman the opportunity to choose the right candidate.
Dating sites/marriage agencies. To use or not to use the services of marriage agencies is an individual choice. But it is clear that main purposes of communication on dating sites and marriage agencies must be: relationships search of life partner, marriage. The main types of communication on dating sites are correspondence, online chats, online calls. Basic search criteria on dating sites are: marital status, number of children, the level of knowledge of foreign languages, geolocation, interests.
Personal search. Less effective is to make search through social networks and mobile apps in online dating. Most of the contacts, established through these types of dating do not lead to real meetings and relationships. The main type of communication here is online chat. The main search criteria are "interests". The main purpose of these resources is communication itself, but not marriage!
Registration on all dating systems provides profiling, uploading photos, in case of registration on the leading dating site through marriage agencies added customer identification, data validation of profiles and documents.
The main reasons why women register in marriage agency is a lack of knowledge about the work of specialized resources, ignorance in foreign languages, lack of self-confidence, lack of understanding of own capabilities, abilities and needs. Motivation of women, whose purpose is the desire to marry a foreigner, can be totally different. Despite the widespread belief that the cause of the willing of women to marry foreigner is a desire to improve the quality of life and move to more developed countries, the main reason is anyway disappointment in local men, the negative experience of past relations. So why they want marry foreingers? Because they truely believe that somewhere far men differs, value more care they can give, respect women more like personality, ready to be protectors and providers, ready accept their kids, ready for official marriage.
The myth that getting married abroad is easy, that the foreigner is a fabulous foreign prince, who will safe from undone and decide all problems is not real. Women should understand that there are no better men, better conditions or better life! Each one creates own happiness themselves and should create a comfortable life themselves here and now!
Naina, psychologist, dating coach, matchmaker of RealdateStudio
Interview for Ukrainian Dating Blog by Krystyna Trushyna Part 2
Interview with Naina, a matchmaker & psychologist (Part 2)
Here is my interview for Ukrainian Dating Blog by Krystyna Trushyna. Krystyna is a Russian and Ukrainian dating blogger and Youtube video coach. Original link on interview is here.
Today, we continue to talk with Naina, a leading matchmaker, dating coach of RealdateStudio, psychologist-counselor of interpersonal communication and virtual interaction, and a member of the Ukrainian Union of Psychotherapists. It is the second part of the interview.
You can read the first part here. In the first part, Naina tells how she started your business as a Ukrainian-Western matchmaker, why psychology plays such an important role in matchmaking and if Western men have a real chance to find a Ukrainian or Russian wife through online dating sites.
In the second part, Naina will share her experience with online dating scam, give her ideas about the future of the Ukrainian dating and marriage industry as well as give some dating tips. Enjoy!
Krystyna: Let’s talk about romance scam. As you know, it is a big issue to discuss. There are so many tips and advice out there but nothing helps. The statistics issued by the National Fraud Intelligence Bureau (NFIB) show a 33% increase in online dating fraud cases in compared to the previous years.
Romance fraudsters often take place through Russian and Ukrainian online dating websites, but scammers may also use marriage and matchmaking agencies to make contact with potential victims.
Do you have any special anti-scam policy in your agency? Do you have any scam stories to share?
Naina: Oh, yes! Krystyna, we both know that who wants to be deceived, will be deceived anyway) and doesn’t matter at all will it be an online dating site, a marriage agency or a matchmaking agency. Everywhere you can meet scam, everybody can be a scammer, nobody can guarantee you anti-scam policy – as “everybody can lie” (I modified a little bit a quote of M.D. Gregory House, hope his fans will not throw tomatoes in me). You’re looking at the traffic light, crossing the road, aren’t you? You don’t walk at night in forest, do you? You don’t go into the office naked, right?
§ Because you know some social rules or safety rules.
§ Because you care about your safety and your social image.
So why then we don’t care about our emotional safety? Why we don’t know some easy safety rules in communication and trust scammer? Because we want to trust, we want to be heard, to be understood, to be needed and that is our weakness and weapon same time. We need to trust, but know to whom trust. Critical and independent thinking and excessive suspiciousness is not the same. We both know, Krystyna, main steps to recognize scammer and how to escape scamming. But they are useless if person don’t have some skills of critical thinking and then all those advises will just enlarge excessive suspiciousness. Sad, but true!
Main part of my anti-scam policy is real interaction with all my clients, personal interviews and checking documents of each client, additional questions if I have any doubts in honesty of the client. Both men and women have to fill same profile with photos and scans of documents, I check all the clients in scam-lists and black-lists. We don’t sell contact information of clients, so privacy of both men and women is protected until meeting in person. I don’t have tolerance to scammers, web-models, and any other fraud that uses fictive identity, expects expensive gifts etc and easy for me check all the details on a personal interview.
Yes, one story happened to me at the beginning of my way when I was hoping to find my charming western prince That was a typical funny scenario, used by African men usually, when you are getting template letters step by step with words of love from the second one. And after all you are getting the gift which you have to pick up, just only paying for delivery. As I am too pedant I always ask too many questions and when I am not getting answers on them I just quite communication. Another story happened to one of my male clients who came to Poltava on a date with one lady from another agency to meet her in person after several months of correspondence and video-chats. She gave him a wrong address and stopped answering emails and switched off her cell-phone as soon as he wrote he landed and going to Poltava to see her! He got her contacts through the online dating site, bought of course. He saw her online on a video, sent her some gifts through the site. He didn’t expect that the information he bought could be wrong or the lady can be a scammer, she insured him that she would wait him and be in the city. He was pretty disappointed and lost a hope to meet a nice lady. Good that he found a lady interested in his person from our agency and invited her on a date. That is why I recommend my clients don’t spend time online but meet and try destiny in a real life as nobody can guarantee that your “virtual love” will transform in a real relationship, but a REAL meeting can give you REAL communication and experience.
Krystyna: Ukraine’s online romance and marriage industry is booming – despite the bad image and scam reviews. Western men hope to find a wife with an attractive appearance and traditional family values. A kind of dream woman… However, I have noticed that modern Ukrainian women differ from the “mail order” brides looking for foreign husbands in the 1990s. In my opinion, modern women of Ukraine are more confident, educated, smart and know exactly what they expect and want to achieve in their life. Women have a choice to build their own life as they wish. Women also have high demands on men with whom they want to build a happy and lasting relationship.
In your opinion, what is the future of Ukrainian dating in 5-10 years? Are there any challenges and transformations to expect?
Naina: Krystyna, I am sure that we are making our own future! I mean that Ukrainian marriage agencies and matchmaking services do it, of course. It all depends on how soon most of Ukrainian “businessmen” will understand that they are forcing Ukrainian dating to a huge hole! First of all, there are a lot of ignorant people who work in this field, who think that this business is a lottery, they spoil trust of potential clients and make an awful image of Ukrainian women! I mean the agencies dealing with web-models or just making fake profiles. I hope we will not wait for 5-10 years to change this situation. I hope that in the nearest years the marriage business in Ukraine will finally get legal regulatory framework and most of agencies will provide a matchmaking service, hiring psychologists instead of self-made “dating gurus” or just-made “short-ripe matchmakers”. Each profession must be regulated by law. If there is no regulation, there is no personal responsibility! I also hope that in some years Ukraine will have an own matchmaking association helping talented matchmakers to manage their business and helping each other to satisfy needs of clients in the best way.
We do not need to orient on West! We don’t need to depend on western dating or matchmaking associations, unions or educational establishments who teach how to be matchmakers or dating coaches in three months! We do not need to copy western style of dating and matchmaking business. We are living in Ukraine. We know this country and our women are much better than any western dating organization. So I hope that in future, a real matchmaking and communication will survive and online dating with its fake communication (in most cases) will drown!
Yes, Krystyna, times changes and needs of our women too! They don’t want any more to wait for a prince and are not ready to satisfy all needs of foreign men and depend on their husbands. Ukrainian women are more independent and confident right now, they are more demanding. They have their own aims and interests. I see only a positive side of these changes) Women should evaluate their own skills and be an interesting person. If I say “independent”, I mean mind-independent. It doesn’t matter how close Ukrainian women are to emancipation as this process started since 2000, but it is slow. The only thing which matters is that Ukrainian women are always REAL! They are always sincere, honest in their wishes, needs, and feelings. Ukrainian women are emotional, feminine and sensitive because they had no history and experience of emancipation in past. Ukrainian women cherish and value their men now and will do it in 5-10 years for sure!
Krystyna: Which Ukrainian online dating tips do you have for Western men looking actively for a wife from Ukraine? Any anti-scam tips to share?
Naina: I have a lot of tips for those who listen to, Krystyna! I will be glad to share some of main dating tips with your readers. Not so long time ago I posted an article “7 dating tips or what should you remember before meeting Ukrainian lady”, in which I named main problems which can face foreigners dating Ukrainian ladies (Krystyna’s note: you can read Naina’s article on Ukranian dating tips here).
Here they are:
- age gap,
- “lost in translation problem”,
- cultural differences.
My main tips how to avoid them and avoid scam are following:
- ask more, listen more, then ask over again;
- learn cultural aspects before your trip to Ukraine (all cultures are different and must be respected especially if you are connecting your life with a lady from a different culture!);
- use qualified translation service or learn language but don’t use GoogleTranslate (it will translate but will never understand meaning of your message!);
- listen and use advices of qualified dating experts, matchmakers, and psychologists – nobody teaches us how to build a long-lasting relationship at school so don’t be shy to ask (but check the qualifications of the specialist you are dealing with carefully);
- look reviews and testimonials about services you use (but not trust to all you see blindly!), trust your intuition and use your common sense;
- be yourself – main rule in any relationship;
- be critical but not suspicious – you can scare woman with your doubts and then you will not have to use previous tips.
More tips are published in in my Blog on realdatestudio.com and in our groups in Google+ and Facebook.
Krystyna: Naina, anything helpful else you’d like to share with our readers?
Naina: I have a lot of ideas to share. Maybe that is subject for next article. Thank you, Krystyna, for this opportunity to share my thoughts, ideas and hopes with you and your readers.
I would like to add that we can change our destiny only by making efforts and by understanding our real intentions and needs. I wish all your readers to find their destiny and be happy!
As the only happiness in life is long-lasting relationships with people we love. If you will not find love, love will find you! So, don’t worry and be happy.
Interview for Ukrainian Dating Blog by Krystyna Trushyna Part 1
Interview with Naina, a matchmaker & psychologist (Part 1)
Here is my interview for Ukrainian Dating Blog by Krystyna Trushyna. Krystyna is a Russian and Ukrainian dating blogger and Youtube video coach. Original source link on interview is here.
Dear friends,
here is my new interview with a Ukrainian matchmaker. Naina was so kind to answer all my questions, so we could learn more about the marriage and matchmaking industry in Ukraine. Naina Yusupova is a leading matchmaker and dating coach of Realdate Studio, psychologist-counselor of interpersonal communication and virtual interaction, as well as a member of the Ukrainian Union of Psychotherapists.
In our interview, we will discuss a range of topics related to her services, stories to share and a look into the future of Ukrainian dating and marriage industry.
Naina, a matchmaker
Krystyna: Hi Naina. Thank you so much to finding time to reply my difficult questions. Could you introduce yourself and tell us how you started your business as a matchmaker?
Naina: Hello Krystyna! First of all, I want to thank you for the invitation and great job you do for the Ukrainian dating business and western men. My name is Naina Yusupova and I am an owner and leading matchmaker of realdatestudio.com.
My main profession is a psychologist and I provide private counseling in interpersonal relationship, virtual communication and interaction. I am a current member of the Ukrainian Union of Psychotherapists, right now I am studying problem-oriented consulting in psychodrama and transactional analysis (both are psychotherapy directions).
You can ask me, Krystyna, why I am talking about psychology? The answer is because my way as a matchmaker I started from my interest to online dating and psychology. In 2002-2003 I worked in Internet-café for international students and at the same time I was getting my first degree in linguistics.
I found a lot of Ukrainian women who tried to find foreign men online, same time a lot of foreign students married our ladies and took them away. That was curious to me! I was curious why our women want to find men abroad?! I started to research this subject and help our ladies to register on international dating sites (mostly European).
Most of ladies didn’t know foreign languages and had no computers at home, so they often used Internet-cafés and spent hours on translating their letters, writing their profiles, and communicating with men, etc. And most of foreign students who discovered beauty of Ukrainian women asked me some tips and advices on how to date Ukrainian ladies.
I started from searching secure dating sites and read a lot of reviews, registered ladies online and helped with translation. After all several men came on meetings to ladies and some of them matched well. One of these ladies was my best friend; she is currently living with her daughter abroad.
I liked to help people find each other and decided to make it to my profession! Later, when I decided get psychology degree, it became a part of my research on the problem of interpersonal aspects of adult people’s virtual interaction (which I am going to continue in future with my foreign clients :).
For a long time I have been studying the psychological compatibility of couples and virtual interaction, examined the effectiveness of the registration on the leading international dating sites, worked in the private matchmaking and dating coaching field, as well as worked at local marriage agencies in Poltava. And finally, I decided that it is the right time to open an own matchmaking agency in Poltava.
I must admit that before opening our studio in Poltava, I have gained my personal experience with international dating but I found my soul mate not overseas, but here in Poltava. So sometimes there is no need to look your happiness too far from your homeland.
Krystyna: Thank you, Naina, for this very detailed reply. My next question. How many men and women are currently looking for a match through your agency, and how many couples were formed through your matchmaking services?
Naina: Oh, we are a young agency, Krystyna. Honestly, we are running our business only 1,5 years and we have not yet managed to attract a large number of clients, especially men as there are a lot of stereotypes and fears about Ukrainian dating.
But we don’t need “eternal” clients and we are not a “matchmaking factory”; we are working result-only, namely: creating couples and involving emotionally each time, so our aim is to attract only those men and women who definitely know what they want and are ready to cooperate with us.
All at once, we value the quality of service so we need to spend a lot of time on every single client in order to provide a really personal approach. For us, our studio is not a business yet, but a small family. I know each of our customers personally and most of our women come by recommendation.
I am hoping that in the nearest future we will get the trust by more marriage-minded clients. Currently, we do not have more than 30 ladies. However, our main rules are meeting our customers’ requirements and expectations and trying find a match for each of our ladies.
Talking about RealdateStudio results… Last year we formed two couples, one of the couples is making K1 visa right now. They are planning to marry this summer.
Krystyna: Why should Western men who want to find a Ukrainian wife use your specific marriage agency? Do you believe that men have a real chance to find a foreign wife by using an online dating site, not a matchmaking service?
Naina: The specificity of my matchmaking studio service is an individual approach, psychological selection based on compatibility of partners, as well as on a meeting-oriented approach.
We can offer some old-fashioned services as two-way correspondence and Skype-sessions to prove the genuineness of our ladies and give two people an opportunity to exchange more information about each other, but we advise our clients meet as soon as possible.
I have often heard from western men that they would rather spend once on a ticket and come to Ukraine to meet a Ukrainian woman in person than spend on long-term correspondence and chats. So here we are! Our ladies would gladly meet men they like and men would finally understand if they found a real soul mate or not.
Yes, it is hard to understand if a person will fit your criteria and if you will like her when meeting offline. But you can use a matchmaking service, too. As for me, matchmaking is a much more deep process than just mating people; I don’t stop on forming a couple but go far more.
During my work with couples as a unit I analyze a level of its mental health, define troublesome behaviors, beliefs, compulsions, thoughts, or emotions in the couple, and if necessary try to improve relationships and social skills.
Let’s think, people don’t deal with matchmaking in real life, most of them don’t they deal basically with dating! Dating means an interaction with different aims, so online dating sites are not different from the reality. People do the same mistakes in online dating as in real one:
1) communicate just to get some attention, have some communication, and do not feel lonely; that means they don’t understand sometimes their inner needs and have no real “dating aims”;
2) lose a focus in the dialogue and start to replace their goals on less demanding; that means their expectations are too high and when people lose them, they experience disappointment and frustration (for example, if love becomes friendship during correspondence);
3) “date” with many people at the same time in a hope to select the best of the best or just enlarge chances to fall in love, etc. (that is only one part of my psychological research).
So, yes, I believe that real dating, online dating and matchmaking have equal chances to bring a person to a happy and strong relationship. The question is not which approach will win, but how to use each one in a clever way!
At least, we know that western men reading your blog and using your pieces of advice carefully, Krystyna, have more chances to succeed in Ukrainian online dating too!
To be continued…
Read second part of interview in the next article.
Naina, leading matchmaker and dating coach, psychologist of Realdatestudio
Just few words about REAL Matchmaking
You probably know that matchmaking is very popular nowadays. Most of online dating sites say they provide this service. But what is matchmaking itself and who can provide this service, what kind of specialist can really help you to find your match?! In some words, matchmaking is the process of matching two or more people together, usually for the purpose of marriage made by professional psychologist – specialist in interpersonal relationships. This is just the best way to find person, who will match your requirements and wishes.
Who can be matchmaker? Matchmakers must be professionals! That means that they must have higher education with degree in psychology (not just certificates of short-time correspondence courses, but real diplomas with years of studying!) and experience in this field, know well the psychology of personality, social psychology, mediation and dating, understand interpersonal aspects of virtual communication, psychology of international relationships and marriages.
Who can use matchmaking service nowadays – all lonely people, who are ready to find life partner and want to create family but need some help and can't find partner for a long time. There is a stereotype that matchmaking is used mostly by businessmen but it doesn't matter who you are. If you are lonely, want change your life and don't know how – use matchmaking, but use it clever!
What should I do to use matchmaking service? All you need to use this service is your true wish to find life partner, serious intention and active approach. Professional matchmaker will help you define your criteria of search, made good introduction, fix your stereotypes and fears about dates, international cultural differences etc.
Somebody can call matchmaking as personal training, dating coaching too. But I would not recommend mix matchmaking and dating coaching during this process with pick-up, hook-up courses)) there is nothing in common with matchmaking! I am not going to teach my clients methods of seduction or pick-up techniques) I am going to help them understand themselves and their wishes, aims in relations and define their criteria of search. I am going to help with organization of meeting, providing any kind of psychological support on all levels of communication) that is my job! I interview all clients personally, test them, and complete their profile information. I don't offer use computer programs as most of big matchmaking dating sites, I work personally with client, giving the best matchmaking service and guideline. I am against mass market approach in such an intimate and personal thing as life partner search!
Only Real communication can give Real results! I am introducing not mass market kind of modern computer or recruitment match-making, but real old-fashioned kind of matchmaking, where personal communication is a key! I don't have huge catalogues of clients, because I am not making huge money on this business, I am working personally on result for each client using my knowledge’s, skills and experience. I have no age-limits, no other limits) If you are serious and your search is mature – you are welcome)
As for aim of matchmaking – I see only one, at least in my field and this is relations) real dates, relations and marriages. I offer you Real Matchmaking service here and now!
Naina, matchaker, dating coach, psychologist of RealdateStudio
7 dating tips or what you should remember before meeting with a Ukrainian lady
When you have met your ideal lady online, you can fall in love, forget about your safety and get in trouble. So listen some advices which you can use before you are going abroad to meet your lady.
First of all, try find out as much information about her as you can before fly, offer her marriage, make visa or invite her to your country!
There are always three main problems you can face with Ukrainian ladies (if somebody will say you that there are no such problems – that is a usual manipulation to attract you to more meetings with more ladies or make you use more of dating service): age gap, cultural differences, "lost in translation" problems. These problems exist and you can face them if will not be attentive and careful in your choice!
1. To avoid age gap – ask more about ladies interests as only common interests can save relations in future (between two different generations that will be hard).
2. To avoid influence of cultural differences and misunderstandings because of them – learn cultural aspects (traditions, customs, holidays, common information about Ukraine) before your trip. Same time, try help your lady to know more about your country, life, traditions, customs etc.
3. To avoid difficulties in understanding due to the not accurate translation, when woman doesn't know your language – use qualified translation/interpreting service (don't charge on understanding!), learn her language if you can, help her to learn your language and practice it regularly. But language is a small issue comparing to two previous.
4. Don't wait too long to meet a lady: the more you wait the less interest and trust in common future you will have. Your lady can be tired from waiting, have wrong expectations and disappointment, she can think you are not serious about her and your relations.
5. Don't hesitate to ask for a help or advice with professionals: psychologists, interpreters, dating coaches, matchmakers.
6. Listen more recommendations of other men who had nice experience in dating Ukrainian women, don't trust all tips on dating systems easy, check carefully all reviews about dating site or marriage agency service which you are planning to use. Always read profiles of ladies and check if pictures in them complete image of lady, compare them with lady’s daily life recent pictures.
7. Be critical, but not suspicious! Don't demand or try make woman follow your rules, but listen her, ask more questions and make right conclusions.
Hope these simple tips will help you to choose right way to Ukrainian woman's heart!
Sincerely yours, Naina for RealdateStudio